Posts
I am flattered to announce that I am speaking at the PMI Conference in San Diego on May 14 at 2:30 pm. The presentation is called: Influence and Persuasion for Project Managers: Face to Face Communication Skills and I am eager to build somne bridges between some of the important communication practices I write about. The conference has a lot of great material presented by a number of experts, so the time will be well spent.
Please see the website at:
http://conference.pmi-sd.org/
http://pmi-sd.eventbee.com/event?eid=751294384
http://conference.pmi-sd.org/tutorials/
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Big Idea, Small Package
Last time we spoke about how difficult it is to get others (and ourselves) to change our minds once we have committed to a course of action, especially if we feel it will damage our reputation if we reverse field. I spoke about a few ways to help someone see that they didn’t have all the information at the time the decision was made and now, with “new” information, they can help make a more informed (if different) decision – one that better represents the new understanding.
A very small word that is very potent in these kinds of circumstances is “yet”.
When someone tells us that they really don’t understand what we are upset about, or what we are saying, or what we mean, we may feel a little twinge of upset. We may want to raise our voice, adopt body language that indicates we feel they aren’t paying attention, or try to re-explain what we have just said sloooower or LOUDER as if they were feeble-minded. As we send these signals, the other person is likely to feel our upset as an attack, and to become defensive. As all my faithful subscribers know by now, defensiveness kills communication.
An effective method of signaling that you understand that the other party does not fully understand your meaning yet is to acknowledge that there is still more to know by using the word “yet”.
I have found that saying “Oh, I don’t see how you COULD understand yet – I have only given you a fraction of the facts.” OR “I am sure my meaning will become clear in a second – I just haven’t found the perfect words to describe it yet.”
This indicates to the other party that you agree that they don’t understand and that you acknowledge that it is not their fault because you still have more to say.
This is a very helpful method for getting around a difficult problem and getting the other party to engage MORE deeply with you.
More next time.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
A very small word that is very potent in these kinds of circumstances is “yet”.
When someone tells us that they really don’t understand what we are upset about, or what we are saying, or what we mean, we may feel a little twinge of upset. We may want to raise our voice, adopt body language that indicates we feel they aren’t paying attention, or try to re-explain what we have just said sloooower or LOUDER as if they were feeble-minded. As we send these signals, the other person is likely to feel our upset as an attack, and to become defensive. As all my faithful subscribers know by now, defensiveness kills communication.
An effective method of signaling that you understand that the other party does not fully understand your meaning yet is to acknowledge that there is still more to know by using the word “yet”.
I have found that saying “Oh, I don’t see how you COULD understand yet – I have only given you a fraction of the facts.” OR “I am sure my meaning will become clear in a second – I just haven’t found the perfect words to describe it yet.”
This indicates to the other party that you agree that they don’t understand and that you acknowledge that it is not their fault because you still have more to say.
This is a very helpful method for getting around a difficult problem and getting the other party to engage MORE deeply with you.
More next time.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Commitment, Consistency, Confidence, and Conviction
Commitment is a very powerful and misunderstood persuasive element. We are more likely to be persuaded by someone that is committed and consistent in their message than someone that isn’t. Many of us are taught to “sound confident and sure” and to be suspicious of people that “flip-flop” or “waffle” in their opinions. It’s almost as if being committed and confident are the same as being correct.
Well, they aren’t. They are just persuasive. You can be confident, committed, consistent, and WRONG quite easily. The problem with being in that position is that many of us find it impossible to “back up”, admit we are wrong, and get back on track.
Because of this, we have to be careful in our conversations about how we ask questions about others positions and how we express our own opinions about things. Since the lessons about commitment are so powerful, we must be careful not to commit before we are ready. We must also know under what circumstances we can reverse a commitment and how to do it. Finally, we must be able to help others feel comfortable in reversing a position to which they have publicly committed.
Let’s recognize that sometimes we will behave as if we are sure when we aren’t. Later, when the weaknesses in our position are exposed, we spend a great deal of time trying to save face. Why? Because we were so committed in the first place. Had we been a bit more tentative, we may be better off.
It is a shortcut to persuade a group by saying something like “The conclusion is inescapable – we must pursue this as I have recommended” when a better expression of reality may be “to the best of my knowledge, I think I am on the right track here. I welcome any additional input on the subject”. The short cut helps us move to a conclusion faster, and if it is the wrong conclusion there is little benefit in doing that. I am not saying we should be meek in expressing our convictions, but rather that we should leave enough uncertainty in them to allow others to feel comfortable in contributing other viewpoints. Please search this blog for “THE SCORE” for more about this.
So we commit to things we feel certain about and not to those for which we still need data. Next, how do we help others to keep from committing to things for which they aren’t truly certain? First, before they start to speak publicly about their certainty, we ask them questions about what they are basing their opinions on. It is usually unnecessary to tell them that they are wrong and best if we could point out that there are other views on the subject and, even though we may have strong suspicions about the best view, we should remain open to other opinions so we don’t have to “untangle” ourselves from any rushed judgments. In other words, we help others see that there is still data on the subject that they haven’t considered and rather than rush to a conclusion, we can continue on recognizing that there is a likely outcome, but that it is not certain. Please search this blog for “THE SCORE” for more about this.
When we have committed to position and find that we need to reverse field, we need to understand that it is a good thing; the information we had put us on one path that seemed correct at the time. Now, we have better or more complete information and are on a better path. In many circles, this is called “learning” and it is seldom looked down upon.
That is also how you can help another person change their current committed opinion. You can explain to them that, based on the data they had when the opinion was formed, they had made the best possible call. Now that new information is available (and you tell them what it is and how it effects the decision), it is clear that changing their opinion is appropriate and reasonable. Note that the “new” information doesn’t need to be “new”; it may have been known when the opinion was formed. The thing that is new about it might be that now we understand the weight or significance of it, or that we now know that some of the beliefs underlying the opinion were believed to be true at the time, but now are known to be untrue (“flat earth”).
More Next Time
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Well, they aren’t. They are just persuasive. You can be confident, committed, consistent, and WRONG quite easily. The problem with being in that position is that many of us find it impossible to “back up”, admit we are wrong, and get back on track.
Because of this, we have to be careful in our conversations about how we ask questions about others positions and how we express our own opinions about things. Since the lessons about commitment are so powerful, we must be careful not to commit before we are ready. We must also know under what circumstances we can reverse a commitment and how to do it. Finally, we must be able to help others feel comfortable in reversing a position to which they have publicly committed.
Let’s recognize that sometimes we will behave as if we are sure when we aren’t. Later, when the weaknesses in our position are exposed, we spend a great deal of time trying to save face. Why? Because we were so committed in the first place. Had we been a bit more tentative, we may be better off.
It is a shortcut to persuade a group by saying something like “The conclusion is inescapable – we must pursue this as I have recommended” when a better expression of reality may be “to the best of my knowledge, I think I am on the right track here. I welcome any additional input on the subject”. The short cut helps us move to a conclusion faster, and if it is the wrong conclusion there is little benefit in doing that. I am not saying we should be meek in expressing our convictions, but rather that we should leave enough uncertainty in them to allow others to feel comfortable in contributing other viewpoints. Please search this blog for “THE SCORE” for more about this.
So we commit to things we feel certain about and not to those for which we still need data. Next, how do we help others to keep from committing to things for which they aren’t truly certain? First, before they start to speak publicly about their certainty, we ask them questions about what they are basing their opinions on. It is usually unnecessary to tell them that they are wrong and best if we could point out that there are other views on the subject and, even though we may have strong suspicions about the best view, we should remain open to other opinions so we don’t have to “untangle” ourselves from any rushed judgments. In other words, we help others see that there is still data on the subject that they haven’t considered and rather than rush to a conclusion, we can continue on recognizing that there is a likely outcome, but that it is not certain. Please search this blog for “THE SCORE” for more about this.
When we have committed to position and find that we need to reverse field, we need to understand that it is a good thing; the information we had put us on one path that seemed correct at the time. Now, we have better or more complete information and are on a better path. In many circles, this is called “learning” and it is seldom looked down upon.
That is also how you can help another person change their current committed opinion. You can explain to them that, based on the data they had when the opinion was formed, they had made the best possible call. Now that new information is available (and you tell them what it is and how it effects the decision), it is clear that changing their opinion is appropriate and reasonable. Note that the “new” information doesn’t need to be “new”; it may have been known when the opinion was formed. The thing that is new about it might be that now we understand the weight or significance of it, or that we now know that some of the beliefs underlying the opinion were believed to be true at the time, but now are known to be untrue (“flat earth”).
More Next Time
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Monday, April 11, 2011
Creating Relationships That Improve Organizations
The central theme in business relationship is credibility; if your competence, motives, and interest are suspect then it is unlikely that you will be a “first pick” when the names are tossed around for the next plum project. And it takes even a bit more to develop the “trust” in relationships that is required to move the organization (and ourselves) into the “consistent success” zone. The two elements that build that trust are Reciprocity and Liking. I will talk about reciprocity in this context today.
Reciprocity networks are not new; they are just not widely spoken of in our American. Interestingly, Asian cultures recognize openly the network of people to whom they owe (or are owed) favors. The effects of the reciprocity network are the same whether you talk about it or not. I will take this opportunity then to talk about with you.
The persuasive and relationship power of reciprocity is attributable to the desirability of being able to call on others for help, and to help others when you can. Each time we do this, we change the balance in the relationship such that one party is indebted to the other party to some degree. As our relationship carries on over time, we find that we can count on this person for things that we need, and we can repay them in such a way that we both feel we are getting more than we are giving, making this very valuable to both parties. This allows us to develop trust in the other owing to their demonstrated willingness to trade their help for ours. Trying to short change this action by either party will attack the trust and kill the value of the relationship.
It is important to note that westerners, in their bias against acknowledging their reciprocity network, often weaken the effects of it unnecessarily. We will tell someone “not to worry about” repaying a favor, or to just “forget about it”. If you have ever been told this, you know that there is a natural desire to repay the favor and sometimes it can cause some bad feelings. It is perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of “Your welcome. I know you’ll do the same for me if I ever need it”.
We should also note that the feeling of reciprocity has a shelf life. As time goes on, favors seem less valuable to those that received them and more valuable to those that gave them. Based on this, it is wise to anchor the value of the favor soon after it is done – preferably when the maximum benefit has just been realized. So, when you spend a few extra hours working out a new format for a report for your boss that they asked for, find out what they are using it for and when they will know how well received it was. If they are going to be showing it on Wednesday at their staff meeting, for instance, ask Thursday morning “Was that format helpful for you?” Let them speak fully about it, and let them know that you are “glad it was such a success and that you were able to contribute to it.” This action will anchor the value in the boss’ mind when it is at its perceived highest point. If it isn’t a success, you might ask them what criticism was made and how to incorporate the improvements; then DO it.
There is a great deal of wisdom in doing what you can for others, delivering value in doing so and building a reciprocity network. These actions we take for one another build trust and are what we recall when we are justifying why a certain person should be considered for something special. It is the right kind of currency to have in your relationship “bank”.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Reciprocity networks are not new; they are just not widely spoken of in our American. Interestingly, Asian cultures recognize openly the network of people to whom they owe (or are owed) favors. The effects of the reciprocity network are the same whether you talk about it or not. I will take this opportunity then to talk about with you.
The persuasive and relationship power of reciprocity is attributable to the desirability of being able to call on others for help, and to help others when you can. Each time we do this, we change the balance in the relationship such that one party is indebted to the other party to some degree. As our relationship carries on over time, we find that we can count on this person for things that we need, and we can repay them in such a way that we both feel we are getting more than we are giving, making this very valuable to both parties. This allows us to develop trust in the other owing to their demonstrated willingness to trade their help for ours. Trying to short change this action by either party will attack the trust and kill the value of the relationship.
It is important to note that westerners, in their bias against acknowledging their reciprocity network, often weaken the effects of it unnecessarily. We will tell someone “not to worry about” repaying a favor, or to just “forget about it”. If you have ever been told this, you know that there is a natural desire to repay the favor and sometimes it can cause some bad feelings. It is perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of “Your welcome. I know you’ll do the same for me if I ever need it”.
We should also note that the feeling of reciprocity has a shelf life. As time goes on, favors seem less valuable to those that received them and more valuable to those that gave them. Based on this, it is wise to anchor the value of the favor soon after it is done – preferably when the maximum benefit has just been realized. So, when you spend a few extra hours working out a new format for a report for your boss that they asked for, find out what they are using it for and when they will know how well received it was. If they are going to be showing it on Wednesday at their staff meeting, for instance, ask Thursday morning “Was that format helpful for you?” Let them speak fully about it, and let them know that you are “glad it was such a success and that you were able to contribute to it.” This action will anchor the value in the boss’ mind when it is at its perceived highest point. If it isn’t a success, you might ask them what criticism was made and how to incorporate the improvements; then DO it.
There is a great deal of wisdom in doing what you can for others, delivering value in doing so and building a reciprocity network. These actions we take for one another build trust and are what we recall when we are justifying why a certain person should be considered for something special. It is the right kind of currency to have in your relationship “bank”.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Techniques to Steer a Conversation
I received a request to describe some ways to “steer” a persuasive conversation in a specific direction. I offer the following thoughts:
1) I frequently make reference to asking questions (inquiries) aimed at examining claims. When you want to explore a statement or perspective in more depth, a great way to do that is to ask questions about it.
a. ‘That statement you made about “x”…what makes you say that?’
b. ‘Tell me more about…’
c. ‘Is what you are saying that “x”…?
2) Another kind of steering question is called a “redefine” and it looks like this:
a. After your counterpart has delivered a perspective that ends with “x”, you would The issue is not so much “x” as it is “y” – what are we going to do about “y”.
For example, your counterpart ends with “…and that’s why it is critical that save social security”; you would say “The issue is not so much saving social security as it is the quality of life for our parents generation – what can we do to see that they are well cared for?”
The power of this method is that you can change the topic pretty radically, for instance; “The issue is not so much saving social security as it is unemployment – what can we do to get people working?”
The nature of question’s format, called a “pattern” in neurolinguistic programming (NLP), leads our brain into the second topic without much trouble allowing for a lot of flexibility in steering.
3) A third steering method is another NLP pattern called an “Agreement Frame”. The agreement frame is based on the fact that people enjoy listening to us when they believe we are agreeing with them, so we use the momentum of that enjoyment to introduce our own ideas. The added impact of this is that it is difficult for them to disagree with us, because they feel that if they do, they would also be disagreeing with themselves. It looks like this:
a. “I agree, and would add…” OR
b. “I almost agree, and would add…” OR
c. I could agree, and would add…”
Example – your counterpart says “We need to take steps to assure that we preserve social security.” YOU say “I agree, and would add that we need to get people back to work as well!”
You would use the variation of “I ALMOST agree” or “I COULD agree”, if you are seeking your counterparts assent to your perspective. They will almost automatically accept the perspective you append to the pattern, because to do otherwise would make them feel they were contradicting themselves.
4) A VERY powerful steering method is to combine the two patterns:
a. “I agree, and would add that the issue is not so much saving social security as it is putting people back to work…what are we going to do to get more companies to advertise employment opportunities in the newspaper instead of online?”
As you can see, you steered the topic from social security to advertising in the newspaper, which is quite a jump.
You might say that it is unlikely that such a technique would work, and I would say I agree, but the issue is not so much about a technique working but if communications techniques in general are fully appreciated…how are we going to get people to be better communicators? Maybe they should subscribe to a newsletter.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
1) I frequently make reference to asking questions (inquiries) aimed at examining claims. When you want to explore a statement or perspective in more depth, a great way to do that is to ask questions about it.
a. ‘That statement you made about “x”…what makes you say that?’
b. ‘Tell me more about…’
c. ‘Is what you are saying that “x”…?
2) Another kind of steering question is called a “redefine” and it looks like this:
a. After your counterpart has delivered a perspective that ends with “x”, you would The issue is not so much “x” as it is “y” – what are we going to do about “y”.
For example, your counterpart ends with “…and that’s why it is critical that save social security”; you would say “The issue is not so much saving social security as it is the quality of life for our parents generation – what can we do to see that they are well cared for?”
The power of this method is that you can change the topic pretty radically, for instance; “The issue is not so much saving social security as it is unemployment – what can we do to get people working?”
The nature of question’s format, called a “pattern” in neurolinguistic programming (NLP), leads our brain into the second topic without much trouble allowing for a lot of flexibility in steering.
3) A third steering method is another NLP pattern called an “Agreement Frame”. The agreement frame is based on the fact that people enjoy listening to us when they believe we are agreeing with them, so we use the momentum of that enjoyment to introduce our own ideas. The added impact of this is that it is difficult for them to disagree with us, because they feel that if they do, they would also be disagreeing with themselves. It looks like this:
a. “I agree, and would add…” OR
b. “I almost agree, and would add…” OR
c. I could agree, and would add…”
Example – your counterpart says “We need to take steps to assure that we preserve social security.” YOU say “I agree, and would add that we need to get people back to work as well!”
You would use the variation of “I ALMOST agree” or “I COULD agree”, if you are seeking your counterparts assent to your perspective. They will almost automatically accept the perspective you append to the pattern, because to do otherwise would make them feel they were contradicting themselves.
4) A VERY powerful steering method is to combine the two patterns:
a. “I agree, and would add that the issue is not so much saving social security as it is putting people back to work…what are we going to do to get more companies to advertise employment opportunities in the newspaper instead of online?”
As you can see, you steered the topic from social security to advertising in the newspaper, which is quite a jump.
You might say that it is unlikely that such a technique would work, and I would say I agree, but the issue is not so much about a technique working but if communications techniques in general are fully appreciated…how are we going to get people to be better communicators? Maybe they should subscribe to a newsletter.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Persuasion Elements - Scarcity and Authority
Last week, I wrote a little about two of Cialdini's six elements of Persuasion. This week i will cover two more.
Scarcity - This principle is borne out by Cialdini's research that shows we want what we can't have and that objects, ideas, and information that we believe are rare or unique hold greater apparent value than they would if we believe they are common.
This fact is powerful on its own, but is supercharged when coupled with the perspective that LOSS is the ultimate form of scarcity. That is, we may strive for something that we don't have and think is rare but we will work VERY hard to prevent losing something that we ALREADY have if we feel it will be difficult to replace. Humans are generally more motivated by fear of loss than want of gain.
Implementing this knowledge in a business situation is critical. Stop talking about what your counterpart will gain in an arrangement, and tell them about the valuable things they will lose. this is illustrated in an example in which 50% of potential customers were told that if they insulate their homes better, they could start saving a dollar a day. The other 50% were told that if they FAIL to insulate, they will continue losing a dollar a day. The sales among the customers that were given the 'losing" language was 150% of the other sales from the other customers. 50% more persuasive, even though the amount of the savings was the same! People are more mobilized into action by the idea of losing something. Combining the idea of scarcity with loss language makes for a particularly powerful argument.
Cialdini says. "You simply register what things people might be losing in an arrangement, honestly, and bring them to the surface. When people are reminded of what they stand to lose, they are more motivated to act."
The word "honestly" is important to note. Long term benefits accrue only to those that are credible.
Authority - Another element of persuasion is rooted in the idea that people will tend to obey authority figures. A person can even be persuaded to do something they wouldn't normally do if it is made clear that they will not be held responsible for their action.
The business application for this kind of persuasion is generally made when you are having a hard time convincing people to do something and you are having the hard time because they don't really believe you know what you are talking about. In other words, they do not recognize you as an authority on the subject. Citing authorities or better yet, PRODUCING an authority that will actually endorse your recommendation can help tremendously.
Sometimes, though, people will still hesitate because they are concerned with the impact to them if something goes wrong. You will encounter less resistance if you can assure the person that what you are asking for is just their indulgence to allow you to try the course of action and that you will take responsibility if there is a problem. If they are clear that they will not be held responsible in any way in the event of an issue, they will often step aside and indulge your experiment.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Scarcity - This principle is borne out by Cialdini's research that shows we want what we can't have and that objects, ideas, and information that we believe are rare or unique hold greater apparent value than they would if we believe they are common.
This fact is powerful on its own, but is supercharged when coupled with the perspective that LOSS is the ultimate form of scarcity. That is, we may strive for something that we don't have and think is rare but we will work VERY hard to prevent losing something that we ALREADY have if we feel it will be difficult to replace. Humans are generally more motivated by fear of loss than want of gain.
Implementing this knowledge in a business situation is critical. Stop talking about what your counterpart will gain in an arrangement, and tell them about the valuable things they will lose. this is illustrated in an example in which 50% of potential customers were told that if they insulate their homes better, they could start saving a dollar a day. The other 50% were told that if they FAIL to insulate, they will continue losing a dollar a day. The sales among the customers that were given the 'losing" language was 150% of the other sales from the other customers. 50% more persuasive, even though the amount of the savings was the same! People are more mobilized into action by the idea of losing something. Combining the idea of scarcity with loss language makes for a particularly powerful argument.
Cialdini says. "You simply register what things people might be losing in an arrangement, honestly, and bring them to the surface. When people are reminded of what they stand to lose, they are more motivated to act."
The word "honestly" is important to note. Long term benefits accrue only to those that are credible.
Authority - Another element of persuasion is rooted in the idea that people will tend to obey authority figures. A person can even be persuaded to do something they wouldn't normally do if it is made clear that they will not be held responsible for their action.
The business application for this kind of persuasion is generally made when you are having a hard time convincing people to do something and you are having the hard time because they don't really believe you know what you are talking about. In other words, they do not recognize you as an authority on the subject. Citing authorities or better yet, PRODUCING an authority that will actually endorse your recommendation can help tremendously.
Sometimes, though, people will still hesitate because they are concerned with the impact to them if something goes wrong. You will encounter less resistance if you can assure the person that what you are asking for is just their indulgence to allow you to try the course of action and that you will take responsibility if there is a problem. If they are clear that they will not be held responsible in any way in the event of an issue, they will often step aside and indulge your experiment.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Monday, February 21, 2011
Persuasion and Robert Cialdini
The current series of articles is about Persuasion, and your emails tell me you have done a good job using the general principles offered so far.
• Prepare yourself by thinking through your interests.
• Ask questions to understand the other party's interests.
• Be open to modifying your position in order to satisfy everyone's interests.
• Your credibility is crucial; don't do something that could sacrifice it in order to persuade someone. It is never worth it when they find out that you did.
• The emotional elements of a given situation are enormously persuasive; avoiding regret, appearing heroic, or feeling valued and respected are many times more persuasive than pure logic. Pure logic can help you choose between options, but emotion is what makes us WANT something to the point of NEEDING it.
• Do not criticize people if it can be helped, and it almost always can.
• Pay attention to behaviors, and not individuals; process, not people. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Let's talk about some of the things that Robert Cialdini, the pioneering social psychologist, has learned are at the root of what persuades us.
Cialdini’s groundbreaking work identified six different areas in which can create persuasive advantage. I will cover two of them this week.
Reciprocity - Relationships are most comfortable when they are balanced; when neither person is beholden to the other. When they get out of balance, we are driven to 'put them back in balance'. if a person does something for us, we want to reciprocate and do something for them.
To use this persuasively is simple to understand from a "you owe me one" perspective, but that approach has limits and Cialdini discourages using those words. Instead, you would like to cause your counterpart to appreciate the value of the thing you did, and reciprocate with something of equal value. "You owe me one" doesn’t always inspire others to look at the value of what you did as much as to figure out a way to reciprocate soon.
It is also important to consider something that we already know, and studies have confirmed; after doing a favor for someone, the value of the favor tends to INCREASE in the memory of the favor GIVER and DECREASE in the memory of the favor RECEIVER. Although I know of no way to prevent this effect, Cialdini describes ways to minimize it.
You need to “cement” the value of the favor in the mind of the person for whom you did it. If you stayed late and did extra work for them, you might wait until JUST after they have received the benefit of it and ask “You know that report I did for you the other night? Did that turn out to be helpful to you?” When they say “yes, it was – and thanks very much” reply with something like “well – I am glad it turned out to be valuable for you. And I know you would do the same for me, right?”
This is 5 times as effective as saying something like “oh, that’s ok – no big deal” when it comes to making the favor seem important longer AND in ensuring the other party reciprocates with something of value.
Liking – In Cialdini’s context, this means two things: a) we are more likely to be persuaded by someone we LIKE (vs. someone we DON’T like) and, b) we are more likely to be persuaded by someone we think is LIKE us (vs. someone we think is NOT like us). This, too, is pretty intuitive so how can we use this info to be more persuasive in a working environment?
The way we dress sends a message about who we are. If we want someone to like us, we could try to appear more like the kinds of people that they tend to like. We can notice other’s interests (golf, NASCAR, woodworking, music) and if we have common interests talk to them about them OR express interest in things they seem to have developed some acumen in that you would like to know more about. In other words, without risking credibility or being insincere, express an interest in who they are as a person and indicate that you, LIKE THEM, have an interest in building ships in a bottle (or whatever).
As with reciprocation, there are things you can do to make LIKING, in either sense, stand out as more memorable to the other person. First, be genuine…there is almost NO ONE I can think of with whom I don’t have SOME shared interest. I don’t need to “invent” a mutual interest; there already is a genuine one. Also, showing your like for someone with an overt act of kindness is a great way to demonstrate your liking them AND to leverage reciprocation. The act should be genuine, appropriate, and aimed directly to them as something between you and not as if it is for show. You shouldn’t tell other people that you have done the person the kindness unless it is alright with them – THEY may tell others, but YOU shouldn’t.
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember that being sincere is more important than being persuasive in the long run.
Next time, we will talk a little more about tools of persuasion.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
• Prepare yourself by thinking through your interests.
• Ask questions to understand the other party's interests.
• Be open to modifying your position in order to satisfy everyone's interests.
• Your credibility is crucial; don't do something that could sacrifice it in order to persuade someone. It is never worth it when they find out that you did.
• The emotional elements of a given situation are enormously persuasive; avoiding regret, appearing heroic, or feeling valued and respected are many times more persuasive than pure logic. Pure logic can help you choose between options, but emotion is what makes us WANT something to the point of NEEDING it.
• Do not criticize people if it can be helped, and it almost always can.
• Pay attention to behaviors, and not individuals; process, not people. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Let's talk about some of the things that Robert Cialdini, the pioneering social psychologist, has learned are at the root of what persuades us.
Cialdini’s groundbreaking work identified six different areas in which can create persuasive advantage. I will cover two of them this week.
Reciprocity - Relationships are most comfortable when they are balanced; when neither person is beholden to the other. When they get out of balance, we are driven to 'put them back in balance'. if a person does something for us, we want to reciprocate and do something for them.
To use this persuasively is simple to understand from a "you owe me one" perspective, but that approach has limits and Cialdini discourages using those words. Instead, you would like to cause your counterpart to appreciate the value of the thing you did, and reciprocate with something of equal value. "You owe me one" doesn’t always inspire others to look at the value of what you did as much as to figure out a way to reciprocate soon.
It is also important to consider something that we already know, and studies have confirmed; after doing a favor for someone, the value of the favor tends to INCREASE in the memory of the favor GIVER and DECREASE in the memory of the favor RECEIVER. Although I know of no way to prevent this effect, Cialdini describes ways to minimize it.
You need to “cement” the value of the favor in the mind of the person for whom you did it. If you stayed late and did extra work for them, you might wait until JUST after they have received the benefit of it and ask “You know that report I did for you the other night? Did that turn out to be helpful to you?” When they say “yes, it was – and thanks very much” reply with something like “well – I am glad it turned out to be valuable for you. And I know you would do the same for me, right?”
This is 5 times as effective as saying something like “oh, that’s ok – no big deal” when it comes to making the favor seem important longer AND in ensuring the other party reciprocates with something of value.
Liking – In Cialdini’s context, this means two things: a) we are more likely to be persuaded by someone we LIKE (vs. someone we DON’T like) and, b) we are more likely to be persuaded by someone we think is LIKE us (vs. someone we think is NOT like us). This, too, is pretty intuitive so how can we use this info to be more persuasive in a working environment?
The way we dress sends a message about who we are. If we want someone to like us, we could try to appear more like the kinds of people that they tend to like. We can notice other’s interests (golf, NASCAR, woodworking, music) and if we have common interests talk to them about them OR express interest in things they seem to have developed some acumen in that you would like to know more about. In other words, without risking credibility or being insincere, express an interest in who they are as a person and indicate that you, LIKE THEM, have an interest in building ships in a bottle (or whatever).
As with reciprocation, there are things you can do to make LIKING, in either sense, stand out as more memorable to the other person. First, be genuine…there is almost NO ONE I can think of with whom I don’t have SOME shared interest. I don’t need to “invent” a mutual interest; there already is a genuine one. Also, showing your like for someone with an overt act of kindness is a great way to demonstrate your liking them AND to leverage reciprocation. The act should be genuine, appropriate, and aimed directly to them as something between you and not as if it is for show. You shouldn’t tell other people that you have done the person the kindness unless it is alright with them – THEY may tell others, but YOU shouldn’t.
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember that being sincere is more important than being persuasive in the long run.
Next time, we will talk a little more about tools of persuasion.
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