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As we develop our skills as a communicator, it is common to focus on what we will say as if “saying” was the most important part of communicating. As if crafting a message as if it were a single entity and delivering it was the act that causes the listener to understand it. The listener, however, has much to consider BESIDES the message before they can truly understand what we mean in an even moderately complex message.
We have all experienced being told something about ourselves that we didn’t want to hear – that we didn’t accept at the first mention. “Your work quality doesn’t justify a raise at this time”; “You aren’t someone with whom people like to spend time”; “You are not carrying your share as a parent”. Is there ANY WAY that someone could craft that message in a way that you would accept it at face value and say “I suppose that is true.”?
The idea here is that when you have a conversation about a topic in which the other person is going to be faced with the prospect of looking at something from a new (and potentially uncomfortable) perspective, you need to be prepared to deal with MORE than just the message. They will be looking for you to not only to justify your words with logic, but also to lead them through the difficulty of hearing the words. So we have two messages; a content message and a relationship message.
Regular readers of this newsletter (and I am SO grateful for the many of you that there are) will recall that I have described a model called the SPIRAL model that defines the four basic elements of a content message (claims, questions, evidence, and inference). I will recap that model in the next newsletter. This week, I want to talk about the relationship message.
The relationship message is built on three principles:
1) Use THE SCORE to reduce defensiveness in your counterpart(s)
2) Pay careful attention to the LISTENER, whether it is you that is listening at the moment or your counterpart. The speaker usually understands their own message; it is the LISTENER that needs extra help especially if the content is complex or “difficult to hear”.
3) It is important to demonstrate attention-to-detail regarding the relationship message AND to guide your counterpart(s) in showing the same attention to detail as you (the skilled communicator).
I have developed a matrix that describes 10 common activities that a skilled communicator will use in a conversation. Depending on the difficulty level of the conversation, you may use just one, or you may use all 10. The matrix shows an activity (for instance, Clarification) and describes the essential elements you need to convey when demonstrating clarification. The third column shows the words I might use in clarifying something (that is, demonstrating clarification. The fourth column shows words I would use to guide a counterpart into giving clarification. Many times, people don’t communicate as effectively as they could because they don’t know how or they don’t know that it is alright. So the fourth column contains what I might say if I were guiding them to do that. The matrix is here.
I stress that the third and fourth columns contain words that I would use, and they may not be the words that YOU would use. IT IS CRITICAL that you convey SINCERE emotions using words that come naturally to you. If you try to read from a script, you will sound like it. Determine the words you would use and use those – they are the BEST ones for you.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Come See Me!
Speaking at the Society for Software Quality on June 28 - come see me. Details at http://www.ssq.org/sd/
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Why Is The Other Guy Such A Problem?
One of the major obstacles I encountered in learning collaboration and in teaching it was overcoming the desire to see the other guy as the problem. Seeing the other guy as the problem leads us to thinking that we need to somehow change them in order to be successful. I can’t urge you strongly enough to abandon any efforts aimed at changing another person’s beliefs. We need them to believe just as they do in order to maintain a useful level of diversity in the perspectives we solicit to evaluate complex problems. Also, it is very difficult for someone to change their beliefs and seldom sustainable.
However, it is not to difficult to explain where all these different beliefs come from, why we find them difficult to deal with, and how we are going to be able to collaborate successfully by acknowledging them rather than contesting them.
Conditioning, Beliefs, and Heuristics
We come by our beliefs honestly enough. We develop them based on what we see and what we are told. If someone tells us “people that are smart are not good athletes”, we may just believe that if it is told to us by someone we trust or is founded in some experience that would tend to support it. Most beliefs are formed early on, are not based on data but emotion, and are as a result of something called “conditioning".
Two forms of conditioning are Operant and Avoidance. Operant conditioning is the way we learn to do something by receiving a reward for having done it well. This is called “reinforcement” and what constitutes a reward is based on – our beliefs. Maybe money, praise, recognition, love, or anything else the individual values. If you ever worked for prize, and were disappointed by it, you know how much the perception of a reward can vary. Avoidance conditioning is about avoiding something we perceive as negative, based again on our beliefs. If you have ever started talking about politics or religion and had a negative experience, you may choose not to talk about those issues again. BOOM! A belief is born! And it may have all kinds of subtleties based on your existing beliefs (never discuss politics in a public setting, or with a woman, or with a guy wearing a suit, or whatever) because beliefs are highly interactive.
The significance of avoidance conditioning is that AVOIDING the negative reaction is the reinforcement. So, if you have a conversation with someone about, say, the weather and it is a wonderful conversation you might think “boy, I am glad they didn’t bring up politics – that would have been a disaster”. That reinforces the belief not to talk about politics, but should it?
We take our beliefs and package them up into informal models called “heuristics” for the sake of convenience. Rather than analyze each situation we encounter, we process them using these heurisitics. If we see a person acting in a way that our heuristic tells us is suspicious, we act in the way the heuristic tells us to. We may avoid the person, crossing the street; we may smile at them to show them we are friendly; we may scowl to show them not to approach; we may overtly threaten them to keep them away. We do what the heuristic says to do. If it works, it reinforces itself. We cross the street and there is no trouble, and our mind says there was no trouble BECAUSE we crossed the street. Is that what really happened?
In communication, people say what they say and do what they do from these heuristics. They treat the specific situation as if it conforms to their heuristics because that is how we problem solve. The methods I teach do some pretty powerful things in some simple ways:
1) Assure the person that their perspective, as it is, doesn’t have to change in order to collaborate. I want it just as it is.
2) Help them analyze the subject - at - hand as a specific instance and not necessarily a perfect example anyone’s heuristic model (i.e., talk about the issues surrounding THIS SPECIFIC production problem, not general production problems) in a way that guides them to use the heuristic in a tailored way and welcomes their input.
3) Help condition them to conducting relationships using a specific model by rewarding them with better results and guiding them out of “avoidance” behaviors.
Using THE SCORE sets the stage for this. The next newsletter will start a series of concrete examples for how managing the content of the conversations and the contributions of the participants.
In the interest of brevity, this newsletter makes some claims for which I offered no backing. I am counting on you, the inquisitive participant, to be curious and write comments here. I PROMISE I will answer each one.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
However, it is not to difficult to explain where all these different beliefs come from, why we find them difficult to deal with, and how we are going to be able to collaborate successfully by acknowledging them rather than contesting them.
Conditioning, Beliefs, and Heuristics
We come by our beliefs honestly enough. We develop them based on what we see and what we are told. If someone tells us “people that are smart are not good athletes”, we may just believe that if it is told to us by someone we trust or is founded in some experience that would tend to support it. Most beliefs are formed early on, are not based on data but emotion, and are as a result of something called “conditioning".
Two forms of conditioning are Operant and Avoidance. Operant conditioning is the way we learn to do something by receiving a reward for having done it well. This is called “reinforcement” and what constitutes a reward is based on – our beliefs. Maybe money, praise, recognition, love, or anything else the individual values. If you ever worked for prize, and were disappointed by it, you know how much the perception of a reward can vary. Avoidance conditioning is about avoiding something we perceive as negative, based again on our beliefs. If you have ever started talking about politics or religion and had a negative experience, you may choose not to talk about those issues again. BOOM! A belief is born! And it may have all kinds of subtleties based on your existing beliefs (never discuss politics in a public setting, or with a woman, or with a guy wearing a suit, or whatever) because beliefs are highly interactive.
The significance of avoidance conditioning is that AVOIDING the negative reaction is the reinforcement. So, if you have a conversation with someone about, say, the weather and it is a wonderful conversation you might think “boy, I am glad they didn’t bring up politics – that would have been a disaster”. That reinforces the belief not to talk about politics, but should it?
We take our beliefs and package them up into informal models called “heuristics” for the sake of convenience. Rather than analyze each situation we encounter, we process them using these heurisitics. If we see a person acting in a way that our heuristic tells us is suspicious, we act in the way the heuristic tells us to. We may avoid the person, crossing the street; we may smile at them to show them we are friendly; we may scowl to show them not to approach; we may overtly threaten them to keep them away. We do what the heuristic says to do. If it works, it reinforces itself. We cross the street and there is no trouble, and our mind says there was no trouble BECAUSE we crossed the street. Is that what really happened?
In communication, people say what they say and do what they do from these heuristics. They treat the specific situation as if it conforms to their heuristics because that is how we problem solve. The methods I teach do some pretty powerful things in some simple ways:
1) Assure the person that their perspective, as it is, doesn’t have to change in order to collaborate. I want it just as it is.
2) Help them analyze the subject - at - hand as a specific instance and not necessarily a perfect example anyone’s heuristic model (i.e., talk about the issues surrounding THIS SPECIFIC production problem, not general production problems) in a way that guides them to use the heuristic in a tailored way and welcomes their input.
3) Help condition them to conducting relationships using a specific model by rewarding them with better results and guiding them out of “avoidance” behaviors.
Using THE SCORE sets the stage for this. The next newsletter will start a series of concrete examples for how managing the content of the conversations and the contributions of the participants.
In the interest of brevity, this newsletter makes some claims for which I offered no backing. I am counting on you, the inquisitive participant, to be curious and write comments here. I PROMISE I will answer each one.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Just Getting Started
Often we don't speak up about how we feel because:
1 - We are afraid to express our anger
2 - We are afraid to make someone else angry
3 - We are afraid we may become embarrassed
4 - We are afraid we may embarrass someone else
5 - We are afraid to open up publically
6 - We are afraid to reveal too much of ourselves
You get the idea.....
When we DON'T speak up about how we feel, we betray the fact that we haven't by expressing our emotions in other ways. We may:
1 - Withdraw entirely from the discussion - shut down
2 - Use phrasing and "word games" to avoid saying what we'd like
3 - Use sarcasm or humor to convey what we feel from behind a "mask"
4 - Use passive-aggressive words to convey an implied meaning ("Are you going to wear THAT?")
5 - Use labels to imply things, rather than define them precisely ("He is SUCH a company-man!")
6 - Attack others with our words, rather than address the specific issue ("You must be an idiot!")
I am saying that when we don't SPEAK up, we often ACT up - and in doing so, we cause huge issues in our communication. As soon as we start to ACT up, we begin losing interest in the content of our communication and start focusing on how lousy the other person is to deal with. We stop solving the problem we wanted to work on because we created another.
Because we ACTED up instead of SPEAKING up.
We never learned how to conduct a conversation that has significant importance for one or more participants in such a way that everyone feels safe to speak up. We know enough to say "Watch Your Step" when we are working with others in a difficult terrain, in order to preserve safety. So what do we say to them when we are working on a perilous topic, in which someone is likely to become anxious?
1 - "I recognize that we may touch on some difficult subjects. We all need to keep in mind that we are here to address [define specific issue] and NOT to fault."
2 - "We need to cover some pretty sensitive topics and i suppose that some of us may feel like we are being chastised. I want us all to keep in mind that this is to remain constructive and respectful."
3 - "We all know that errors were made on this project, but knowing it isn't enough to prevent them from happening again; we need to address them. To do that, we need to identify them in a caring and respectful way. We need to keep this a safe place to bring these things up with each other."
4 - "I don't know how we can do it without hurting some feelings, but we are going to need to talk about this. Let's make a promise to be honest, extend each other the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that each of us have been doing what we think is right. We need to help each other understand what the full impact of our actions has been."
5 - "I don't know how to say this without just saying it, but I first need you to know that I believe that you have been doing what you think is right and don't believe that you have any ill will about anything that I know of."
In other words, we convey that the topic is important enough to discuss honestly and that we know it might be controversial. We convey that we know that it could make others feel unsafe, betrayed, or feel as if they should not speak up. We convey that it is ok to feel that way and still ok to speak up so long as it is done respectfully and without malice. That will get us started.
Next time we can talk about how the next few statements are handled.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
1 - We are afraid to express our anger
2 - We are afraid to make someone else angry
3 - We are afraid we may become embarrassed
4 - We are afraid we may embarrass someone else
5 - We are afraid to open up publically
6 - We are afraid to reveal too much of ourselves
You get the idea.....
When we DON'T speak up about how we feel, we betray the fact that we haven't by expressing our emotions in other ways. We may:
1 - Withdraw entirely from the discussion - shut down
2 - Use phrasing and "word games" to avoid saying what we'd like
3 - Use sarcasm or humor to convey what we feel from behind a "mask"
4 - Use passive-aggressive words to convey an implied meaning ("Are you going to wear THAT?")
5 - Use labels to imply things, rather than define them precisely ("He is SUCH a company-man!")
6 - Attack others with our words, rather than address the specific issue ("You must be an idiot!")
I am saying that when we don't SPEAK up, we often ACT up - and in doing so, we cause huge issues in our communication. As soon as we start to ACT up, we begin losing interest in the content of our communication and start focusing on how lousy the other person is to deal with. We stop solving the problem we wanted to work on because we created another.
Because we ACTED up instead of SPEAKING up.
We never learned how to conduct a conversation that has significant importance for one or more participants in such a way that everyone feels safe to speak up. We know enough to say "Watch Your Step" when we are working with others in a difficult terrain, in order to preserve safety. So what do we say to them when we are working on a perilous topic, in which someone is likely to become anxious?
1 - "I recognize that we may touch on some difficult subjects. We all need to keep in mind that we are here to address [define specific issue] and NOT to fault."
2 - "We need to cover some pretty sensitive topics and i suppose that some of us may feel like we are being chastised. I want us all to keep in mind that this is to remain constructive and respectful."
3 - "We all know that errors were made on this project, but knowing it isn't enough to prevent them from happening again; we need to address them. To do that, we need to identify them in a caring and respectful way. We need to keep this a safe place to bring these things up with each other."
4 - "I don't know how we can do it without hurting some feelings, but we are going to need to talk about this. Let's make a promise to be honest, extend each other the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that each of us have been doing what we think is right. We need to help each other understand what the full impact of our actions has been."
5 - "I don't know how to say this without just saying it, but I first need you to know that I believe that you have been doing what you think is right and don't believe that you have any ill will about anything that I know of."
In other words, we convey that the topic is important enough to discuss honestly and that we know it might be controversial. We convey that we know that it could make others feel unsafe, betrayed, or feel as if they should not speak up. We convey that it is ok to feel that way and still ok to speak up so long as it is done respectfully and without malice. That will get us started.
Next time we can talk about how the next few statements are handled.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Monday, May 30, 2011
Come get some Face Time on June 24
We find ourselves differing with people all the time. Let’s talk about the subset of time when we feel the difference is important – maybe about how to pursue a particular business strategy or how to discipline our child. Sometime if the opposition is too strong, we will choose not to speak up.
Think of that! Here we are, differing on something you feel is very important, and you won't speak up because your counterpart has some kind of mojo that keeps you from challenging them! Maybe you worry that they will embarrass you, or will bully you, and have the kind of power over you that can make things difficult for you if you were to make them angry. So you don’t speak up.
Let’s say, though, that you DO speak up. You challenge their position. You show just how formidable you can be - and they force you into saying something you regret. All the blood drains from your face as your worst fears are realized and you wish you had never said anything. THIS is the memory that haunts many people. This is the reason they don’t speak up.
Let me retrace a few things:
1) The worry is baseless. You can conduct this conversation and manage it even if it is a very sensitive or emotional topic. The mojo you think your counterpart has is not their own.
2) You don’t have to challenge their position. You can help them formulate a new one.
3) You don’t have to show anyone how forceful or formidable you can be. You don’t have to apply force to move through these discussions.
4) You can conduct these discussions and lead them just where you want them to go. You may not always get your way, but you usually will if your way is reasonable.
5) Your counterpart will respect the way that you conduct yourself even if they disagree with your perspective. That will make subsequent discussions much easier.
One of the hardest things to do is to start saying the RIGHT THINGS to make all this happen, because you haven’t learned how to construct the RIGHT THINGS in your own voice, or even what makes them right.
I’d like to help and will be sharing some information along these lines at the June 24 PMI Breakfast event in Rancho Bernardo (info at http://www.eventbee.com/member/pmi-sd/event?eventid=832818314).
Please come out to get your questions answered.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Think of that! Here we are, differing on something you feel is very important, and you won't speak up because your counterpart has some kind of mojo that keeps you from challenging them! Maybe you worry that they will embarrass you, or will bully you, and have the kind of power over you that can make things difficult for you if you were to make them angry. So you don’t speak up.
Let’s say, though, that you DO speak up. You challenge their position. You show just how formidable you can be - and they force you into saying something you regret. All the blood drains from your face as your worst fears are realized and you wish you had never said anything. THIS is the memory that haunts many people. This is the reason they don’t speak up.
Let me retrace a few things:
1) The worry is baseless. You can conduct this conversation and manage it even if it is a very sensitive or emotional topic. The mojo you think your counterpart has is not their own.
2) You don’t have to challenge their position. You can help them formulate a new one.
3) You don’t have to show anyone how forceful or formidable you can be. You don’t have to apply force to move through these discussions.
4) You can conduct these discussions and lead them just where you want them to go. You may not always get your way, but you usually will if your way is reasonable.
5) Your counterpart will respect the way that you conduct yourself even if they disagree with your perspective. That will make subsequent discussions much easier.
One of the hardest things to do is to start saying the RIGHT THINGS to make all this happen, because you haven’t learned how to construct the RIGHT THINGS in your own voice, or even what makes them right.
I’d like to help and will be sharing some information along these lines at the June 24 PMI Breakfast event in Rancho Bernardo (info at http://www.eventbee.com/member/pmi-sd/event?eventid=832818314).
Please come out to get your questions answered.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Hats Off to PMI- SD
I just want to take a couple of lines to Congratulate the Project Management Institute regarding their 2011 Conference in San Diego. The team was very well organized and I can't say enough good things about the execution of every aspect. You should spend the entire next meeting celebrating this achievement.
JOB WELL DONE!
JOB WELL DONE!
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
What to Say When Feelings are at Stake
I had several very enjoyable speaking engagements last week, and I always like to hang around afterwards to talk to anyone that has a question or would like to share an experience. I was approached by one young man who asked an excellent question and I want to share this with all of you.
He explained to me that his boss is from another culture. His boss tries very hard to understand what is said to him, but sometimes has trouble and is slow to ask for clarification, presumably for fear of appearing somehow challenged by language or cultural differences. I couldn’t help but think to myself about the scores of coworkers I have had that demonstrated the same trait without the benefit of a good reason like being from a different culture.
The young man then told me that he was concerned that he had a moderately complex issue to explain to his boss, and was concerned that there was no way to talk to him about it without things getting difficult. He couldn’t think of any way to start the conversation without it sounding like he was” dropping a bomb”, and was looking for what to do.
I want to share with you all (as I did with him) the tool of “prefacing” in these situations. That is rather than start straight into the content, preface your statement with a short and sincere statement that prepares the listener for what you are about to say.
For example, the young man I was speaking to was afraid that his boss would take his as a personal attack, so suggested he say something like:
“Boss, I need to tell you something and I don’t really know how to start without just saying it. I want you to know that I am not in any way attacking you but that I mean to be constructive. I’m willing to discuss it as long as you like until you are completely comfortable that I am saying this for our mutual benefit. Can we talk now or would it be better to do it this afternoon?”
This is not a random statement, but one that thoughtfully uses several elements of THE SCORE to make the other party feel as comfortable as possible in hearing some rough news and keep them engaged until the issue is resolved. Let’s look at it:
1) We start out tentative and humble, letting the other person know that we are doing what we think is right and have their goodwill in mind.
2) We are sincere and state the situation as simply as we can. We are respectful.
3) We address the potential for being misunderstood by using a technique called “contrasting”, meaning that, more than saying we are not attacking, we contrast the idea of attacking with what we ARE doing (which is being constructive). This is a method of “hyper-clarifying”, making it simple for our intention to register with the person that we are addressing.
4) We are engaged and committed to solving this, NOT dropping a bomb on them and willing to stay and discuss this thoroughly.
5) We close by offering a share of the control in the selection in aspects of the conversation (could be time, place, attendees – in this case, we offered control of the time). This shows respect and openness to collaboration.
When something must be said, and we don’t know how to start, admitting that and starting anyway can be the most productive and the most human thing to do.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
He explained to me that his boss is from another culture. His boss tries very hard to understand what is said to him, but sometimes has trouble and is slow to ask for clarification, presumably for fear of appearing somehow challenged by language or cultural differences. I couldn’t help but think to myself about the scores of coworkers I have had that demonstrated the same trait without the benefit of a good reason like being from a different culture.
The young man then told me that he was concerned that he had a moderately complex issue to explain to his boss, and was concerned that there was no way to talk to him about it without things getting difficult. He couldn’t think of any way to start the conversation without it sounding like he was” dropping a bomb”, and was looking for what to do.
I want to share with you all (as I did with him) the tool of “prefacing” in these situations. That is rather than start straight into the content, preface your statement with a short and sincere statement that prepares the listener for what you are about to say.
For example, the young man I was speaking to was afraid that his boss would take his as a personal attack, so suggested he say something like:
“Boss, I need to tell you something and I don’t really know how to start without just saying it. I want you to know that I am not in any way attacking you but that I mean to be constructive. I’m willing to discuss it as long as you like until you are completely comfortable that I am saying this for our mutual benefit. Can we talk now or would it be better to do it this afternoon?”
This is not a random statement, but one that thoughtfully uses several elements of THE SCORE to make the other party feel as comfortable as possible in hearing some rough news and keep them engaged until the issue is resolved. Let’s look at it:
1) We start out tentative and humble, letting the other person know that we are doing what we think is right and have their goodwill in mind.
2) We are sincere and state the situation as simply as we can. We are respectful.
3) We address the potential for being misunderstood by using a technique called “contrasting”, meaning that, more than saying we are not attacking, we contrast the idea of attacking with what we ARE doing (which is being constructive). This is a method of “hyper-clarifying”, making it simple for our intention to register with the person that we are addressing.
4) We are engaged and committed to solving this, NOT dropping a bomb on them and willing to stay and discuss this thoroughly.
5) We close by offering a share of the control in the selection in aspects of the conversation (could be time, place, attendees – in this case, we offered control of the time). This shows respect and openness to collaboration.
When something must be said, and we don’t know how to start, admitting that and starting anyway can be the most productive and the most human thing to do.
Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication
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