Sunday, August 31, 2008

Conducting a Critical Discussion

For the last few weeks, I have elaborated on the elements of attitude that provide the best point of view from which to approach a discussion. Studying these elements and learning how to incorporate them authentically into your communication will help you remain collaborative and avoid falling into the advocacy trap. More on this in upcoming weeks. Now it's time to look at some of the elements critical to conducting the discussion.



Let's look at the instance in which you are challenging the status quo. In most businesses, the biggest threat is NOT the outside competition, but the status quo, so understanding this model is important.



Presumption and Burden of Proof


For our purposes, Status Quo means "the way things are". The status quo carries with it the presumption that things are like they are for a reason, and therefore there is no reason to change. Of course this is not always right, or we would never need to discuss it, but the fact is that in critical discussions the status quo carries this presumption. It is up to the person challenging the status quo to prove that things should change. This is called the "Burden of Proof".



So, the person supporting the status quo is said to have "presumption" and the person challenging the status quo bears the "burden of proof". The idea is that the challenger must have a good enough position to convince the other party that things should change. If they can't support such a position - can't dislodge the status quo, then things will stay as they are.



These two elements (presumption and burden of proof) are very important. In the case of a tie, the win goes to presumption. In some discussions, a great deal of effort goes into declaring presumption because, in the case of a close call, presumption wins. Sometimes, a good approach is to gain agreement that the status quo is flawed. If one can do that, our new approach only has to cause less harm and is we can prove that, we can then say that another approach is "worth a try". This works because we have short-circuited the presumption that the status quo is satisfactory, which is sometimes easier than gaining agreement that a new approach is clearly better.



Burden of Proving Assertions


In the course of a discussion, each side is going to make statements that support a position. Those statements are called assertions. After making an assertion, the other party can either accept the assertion as stated or can ask for data that backs up the assertion. This data is called evidence or proof. Asking for evidence needn't be more complicated than asking "What makes you think so?' or "Tell me more about...". The point is that unless you accept the other party's assertions (and sometimes even if you do) it is wise to ask for THEIR reasons for believing the way they do. This is very important in understanding their perspective fully.



Burden of Rejoinder


This is the responsibility to respond to the perspectives expressed by those that are challenging your perspective. If someone asks a question of you, asks for evidence, or in some other way is actively asking about your perspective, then you have a responsibility to reply in a way that addresses the question. And they owe the same to you. Stalling, withdrawing, attacking, sarcasm, and manipulation are typical way is which someone demonstrates failure to meet the burden of rejoinder. Knowing that these responses (and the underlying fallacies) is very helpful in judging the strength of a position.



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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Safety and Trust

There have been many times in our lives when we have wanted to say something, but elected not to. Afterwards, we may wish we had and ponder why we didn’t. Sometimes, we remember when we said something and wish we hadn’t, or a time when we blurted something that was harsher than we meant it to be, or the other person was offended even though we were “diplomatic”.

We feel like the other party will get mad. Or we don’t feel like it will help. Or we feel that the other person won’t understand. Or we feel they will say something that we don’t want to deal with.

You get the picture. We either worry that we will be “attacked” or we don’t trust that they will follow the direction of conversation that we want them to. In the final analysis, we don’t feel safe.

Feeling safe in the conversation is the most fundamental position. It allows us to start, and all parties constantly check their safety levels in formulating their statements. When someone becomes defensive, it is because they feel threatened – a.k.a. “not safe”. When someone becomes defensive, the productivity of the conversation falls to zero until you re-establish safety. Pretty simple to understand, but how do you do it?

The task is twofold; 1) to feel safe yourself and 2) create safety for others in the conversation. Why do YOU have to do it? Because they don’t know this stuff!

Making yourself feel safe takes practice and concentration. You have to stay curious, open, engaged, authentic, empathetic, present, and collaborative. You MUST believe that if you do that, the conversation CAN’T go anywhere you don’t want it to, because you AREN’T STEERING IT!

Take curiosity – if you are truly curious about the other party’s point of view, what exactly is it that will make you defensive? The answer is “nothing” because nothing they say is an attack – it is just their point of view, which is what you are seeking. Let’s say I ask someone a very unsafe question like “What do you think of my performance on the Jenson project?” If I am curious, and they say “Frankly I thought you could have done better.” I would naturally ask “How?” If I am not curious, I might have a different response. If I remain curious and ask how I might have done better, they might say “Well, at times you seemed a bit unprofessional when we were meeting with them.” Again, if I fall out of curiosity I might guess at what they mean and try to excuse myself, or I might just tell them they’re wrong, or I might attribute it to my style, or I might tell them that if they knew more about what I do they would understand, or I might tell them “that we will agree to disagree (yuck!)”. If I stay curious, they might tell me “Well, in many meetings you showed up late and several times without a tie!” AHA! Guess what? You just learned what the other person’s definition of professionalism is and how they apply it. YOU STAYED CURIOUS AND LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT HOW OTHER PEOPLE DEFINE PROFESSIONALISM. It of course will be up to you to determine what you do with the information, but by staying curious is the only way to earn that option.


Making others feel safe should be thought of as making a safe environment for discussion. YOU have to be sensitive to the rhythm of the conversation and observant enough to see when the exchange isn’t going smoothly. The earlier you detect changes in the timbre of the exchange the easier it is to keep things safe. You can tell they are feeling unsafe if they start to withdraw (sarcasm, subject changing, or silence), attack (name-calling, controlling, anger), or begin to act as if you have diminished their dignity. At that moment, you should stop talking about the subject of the conversation, and try to talk about the way the conversation is being conducted (“What you just said makes me think that I may have said something offensive. I didn’t mean to say anything hurtful and if I did, I apologize”). Note – only apologize if it is warranted.


Some things to remember:


Focus on the deeper purpose that you both hope to achieve in the conversation. You hope to understand their side IN ORDER TO accomplish something that will benefit you both. Make sure you BOTH understand what that something and its benefit is. You may see one way solve a problem and the other party may have a totally different solution. You need to assure that you both are committed to solving the problem and agree on what it is. The mutual purpose will help carry you through the discomfort of the conflict over methods IF you explicitly state it. “I want to tell you that, even thought we differ on some of these details, I am delighted to be working with someone that is as passionate about solving problem x as I am.”


Don’t try to accomplish everything in one conversation. The healthiest way to work through things is generally in several small conversations. Difficult topics take some time to work through and the best way to allow the time is to hold several conversations rather than one or two long ones.


Be sensitive to other points of view. A good way to show this is to be tentative. “I may be wrong about this, but I think we should…” is less likely to put someone on the defensive than “Any schoolboy would easily see that we should….” Along those same lines, being humble is a great help. There is no need to hammer someone with your credentials after they have been established. Humility and tentativeness will automatically be part of your demeanor if you are practicing openness.

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Authenticity

All of the components of the engagement stance are important, but if you miss out on authenticity, you will have a hard time establishing credibility. When someone you speak with lacks authenticity, it feels manipulative, even if there is no evidence of manipulation.

Think of a time when you complimented someone and came back later and asked them for a favor. Sometimes, the person doesn't connect the compliment with the favor, and sometimes they believe that the compliment was inauthentic, and was given just to "set up" the favor. The immediate reaction is to think that it varies with the other person - but the real variable is your credibility with that person.

When we describe a person as having "integrity", we are describing the integration of their words and their actions - do they "walk their talk". People that are authentic are viewed as credible because they don't say they will do one thing and then do another. They may not always do what you want them to, but they do what they say.

Credibility and integrity both have their roots in authenticity, which is why it is so important to good communication.

To check your authenticity, you must be introspective and thorough in your consideration. Impusiveness may come naturally to you, but if you change your mind frequently (especially without new evidence) as impulsive people often do, you will lose credibility. You needn't always be sure, but you must always be thoughtful - so you may need to learn to recognize when you are being impulsive in order to become more effective.

This means that that you express your views with the actual degree of certainty that you have. It is ok to be tentative - in fact, it is preferable to say "I am not sure that I am right about this, but the way I see it is....." if you are unsure.

If you find yourself having many regrets, you are probably not being authentic. If you are, then you have to work on developing your judgement. People with adequate judgement that are authentic in their approach to life seldom have many regrets.

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Open Seats for August Workshops

Sign up for the AUGUST 22nd workshops (Critical Thinking 8am-12pm and Relationship Management 1pm -5 pm) BEFORE August 20th

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Empathy

Empathy is the capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself. It is therefore the essence of connection in communication.

Great communication results from understanding differing perspectives in all their depth and complexity and attempts to develop a singular mutually supportable position that joins the best of all points of view. This is perhaps the greatest weakness of the advocacy method of communication - that it does NOT embrace various perspectives and frequently distorts them in order to dismiss any point of view but one.

In order to really understand another perspective one must be curious and open, and then one must seek to empathize with the other party. One must seek to understand under what circumstances and by what analysis can another point of view be created from a single set of facts.

Empathy is the motive for intense listening and the catalyst for connection. By careful inquiry, we learn not only what a person feels but why. When we seek to understand why a person feels a certain way about a set of facts, we are honoring that person and thereby building safety. We are also embracing inquiry as our method of communication.

My best communication comes when I do my best to find reason through an advocate’s perspective with them - that is, to try to find more evidence and inference to support their point of view. As I do this, I find that many times they enthusiastically explain the nuances of their position and, as any weaknesses are revealed, willingly adapt their perspective to resolve to the strongest position to which we can mutually agree. Of course, mutually agreeing on a single position is really the outcome we seek with collaboration. By employing empathy and thorough the listening demanded, we are able to arrive at our targeted collaborative decision even though the other party may not be aware that we engaged in a collaboration - they think I was just agreeing with them.

Empathy takes practice because it requires intense listening and concentration. It is especially difficult if you have judged the other party’s perspective in some way as flawed. It is, of course, best to suspend judgment altogether until you can evaluate the merits of the idea logically. If you need to regain your objectivity, try thinking about this question as you talk to the other person: “The other party has a very different take on the facts as I understand them; I should explore what they think the fact are, and what evidence they have used to interpret them”. In doing this, it is critical that you give them the benefit of the doubt regarding their being intelligent and capable people.


Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Make sure you sign up for classes

If you are interested in taking the 8/22/08 classes, you need to sign up by 8/18. These will be the last classes (for these subjects) till October, and after October we are done for the year.





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Openness

The elements of the engagement stance (Presence, Engagement, Empathy, Openness, Curiosity, Depth, Safety, and Collaboration) are so vital to good communication that I will post articles about all of them over the coming weeks. These eight points are the keys to the kingdom, and if you master nothing else but these, you will be amazed at the improvement in your communication. I covered Curiosity already, so I will look at a Presence this time.

Presence is achieved by giving your collaborator your undivided attention. Why is this key? Let’s think of some things expressed (and implied) through undivided attention:

·       “You are important to me”

·       “This discussion is important to me”

·       “I want to understand your point of view”

·       “I am here for you”

·       “What you have to say matters to me”

·       “I respect you”

·       “ I believe you can contribute to my understanding”

·       “You are credible”

In being authentically present, available, undistracted, and focused in your exchange with your collaborator you demonstrate that you give  their input the consideration that THEY think it deserves. Imagine the difference in the depth of their commitment to whatever decision you eventually develop if they truly believe that you understand them and you can communicate fully the differences between your perspectives. Imagine how difficult it would be to get strong commitment if they felt you DIDN’T pay attention to them and DIDN’T understand what they were saying to you! Maybe you can think of examples of both in your life and you can remember your feelings.

In being present, make sure that:

·       You are authentic. Don’t stare doe-eyed at your collaborator, nodding and repeating word-for-word all that they say. These are all-too-familiar earmarks of inadequate “active listening” classes. BE REAL! It is important to demonstrate that you are hearing the other party and understanding their perspective, so it is wise to paraphrase what they are saying (“If I am hearing you correctly, you are saying…). Likewise, if you aren’t ‘getting’ them, prompt for more info (“help me understand why (how)….”, “tell me more about….”) and them LISTEN. This is ineffective;”Tell me again about why you feel that a four day work week is good for productivity because it’s my feeling that it isn’t and I have read a great deal on the subject and have a good feel for what the experts say and… Everything I wrote in italics may be true, but it detracts from the sense of presence. You’ll have a chance to tell your story. This is about understanding THEIRS. So LISTEN and UNDERSTAND.

·       You are available. If you have only ten minutes before your next meeting and need to get ready, don’t start the conversation. Be honest and respectful. “I have a meeting that I have to get ready for and I KNOW that this topic is important to us both. Let’s set a time when we can both talk about it for an appropriate length of time to fully cover it.” NOTE – ALWAYS make it back at that time to discuss it. This can NOT be a stalling technique if you wish to be thought of kindly or to build credibility. Skipping the meeting with them will demonstrate just how unimportant they are. I once had a person promise to get back with me at a specific time to go over something important, call me and tell that they couldn’t make it and would reschedule later, and then I saw them taking a break instead of making their original meeting time with me. Their dishonesty really put me off. There were better ways to handle it.

·       You are relaxed. Being relaxed telegraphs your comfort with the other party – nervousness says “I don’t want to do this”. I can just hear my students asking…”well, what if I DON’T want to do it? What if it is a difficult topic for me, or I don’t like the person”. I’ll tell you what I say:

o   “Look, I don’t really know how to say this so I am just going to say it”

o   “I want you to know this is difficult to say, but it needs to be said”

o   “I know we have some history, but we need to go over this and come to a mutually beneficial conclusion”

o   “You and I have to come to terms on this for the good of the organization and I am willing to do anything reasonable to come to an agreement with you”

·       You are focused. The big enemy here is that internal voice that tells you what’s wrong with the other guy’s perspective, tells you what you are going to say as soon as he stops talking, and wanders off thinking about the next deadline or what you want for lunch. The best way I know of to stop this is DON”T try to silence the voice (it doesn’t work – it never stops unless you are a skilled meditator in ideal conditions). Instead, make the voice curious instead of judgmental. Train the voice (over time) to formulate clarifying questions about the other perspective. Don’t interrupt the other party as they talk, though. Keep the inner voices questions to yourself until it is time to ask “tell me more about…” or “can you clarify what you mean by…”. Take notes if you must. This also shows that you are interested in “getting this right”.

In other words, I convey the thoughts expressed by presence (see above) and build mutual respect and common purpose. Don’t worry about the words I use – use words that are AUTHENTIC to you. The job here is to show that you are in this together and that the REAL you is THERE!

 

 

 

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Why don't we speak up?

In my classes on Influence, we learn to identify 1) key behaviors that are at the heart of creating change and 2) “recovery behaviors” that represent what to do when things aren’t working as expected. Two generic recovery behaviors are 1) speaking up, and 2) training. It sounds easy; when a process isn’t working as expected, we need to speak up.

Sometimes speaking up is the hardest thing to do. I quote statistics from a 2007 study by Leadership IQ in which they found that over 80% of nearly 10,000 business people polled said they “occasionally or frequently withhold important information from bosses, coworkers and employees because they fear the conversation will end badly”. So this is not just some of us….this is nearly all of us.

Is work that stressful? Interesting statistic – the period that you are most likely to have a heart attack is from 6am to noon on a Monday. There is no other six hour period during the week which has a higher incident. So the stress caused by worry at work is bad for our business and bad for our health. Let’s talk a little more about the components of worry.

Worry occurs when we perceive and increase in our vulnerability and a decrease in our power. Vulnerability is the feeling we have that we are at risk. I have written and spoken before about power. There are 3 kinds: positional power (where you rank in a given context), personal power (credibility and track record), and technical power (knowledge in the subject at hand). Sometimes we are in situations that make us quite vulnerable (disagreeing with a ‘powerful’ person, challenging ‘common knowledge’, being asked to do things we don’t understand) and we feel worried about the outcome. So we do nothing. That’s safe – in the short term.

When your body enters a stressed situation like that, it responds just like it does to any threat. It moves blood from your core to your limbs (so you can run) and from your cerebral cortex to your limbic brain (so you no longer reason well, but your reactions are fast). This was great when we were running from saber-toothed tigers, but not so helpful when you are trying to reason through a problem. That’s a great reason to keep your mouth shut.

Want to worry less? Do the math! Increase your power and decrease your vulnerability. Increase your power by 1) Learning more about the subject at hand (technical power) and 2) learning relationship building skills and improving your credibility (personal power). As you practice these skills and perfect them, you will gain confidence which will reduce your vulnerability.

Still, you may find yourself over your head from time to time. In those cases, here is a four point plan when you go into “runaway” mode:

1) IIf you feel yourself stressing out, worrying, say “Stop” to yourself. Say it in your head over and over until the runaway feeling stops. This will arrest the autonomic runaway that will keep you from being able to think. It also gives the voice in your head something to do besides scream at you.

2) Breathe. Oxygenate. You need to calm yourself and think. You are deciding not to panic, but to think your situation through.

3) Now THINK! Think about your situation and turn off all self-critical thinking (“GOSH, I must be an idiot” does not help right now). Turn them OFF. Analyze your logic using critical thinking – what is really under discussion? What are the important issues? What claims are being made? What evidence is there to support the claims? How does that evidence support the claim?). Revise your assumptions. Create new hypotheses. Stay in this mode calmly until your logic is driving you and not emotions. You must stay out of the “fight or flight” state.

4) Now CHOOSE. Once you have begun creating logic again, choose how to proceed based on your training.

IIf If you STILL find yourself unable to shut down the worry monster, remember NEVER to worry alone. Call a friend with whom you can vent. Make sure they understand the rules if venting; They aren't allowed to try to solve your problem, only to listen and try to understand it. If you want to try solving the problem it is highly unlikely to happen UNLESS you are able to get through the four step plan. Trying to trouble shoot the issue without being calm will likely lead to a downward spiral and a bad result.

Realize that as you practice communication skills, you will find yourself going into runaway less and less. Runaway is a side-effect of taking a position of advocacy because you are invested in trying to “prove your point”. As your communication skills improve, you will find yourself not advocating positions, but collaborating. In collaborating, other points of views are encouraged and the task is to understand and reconcile the differences between them (rather than destroying any “competing” perspective). This is much more holistic approach to communication and generates better decisions and therefore better business results.