Come get some Face Time on June 24

We find ourselves differing with people all the time. Let’s talk about the subset of time when we feel the difference is important – maybe about how to pursue a particular business strategy or how to discipline our child. Sometime if the opposition is too strong, we will choose not to speak up.


Think of that! Here we are, differing on something you feel is very important, and you won't speak up because your counterpart has some kind of mojo that keeps you from challenging them! Maybe you worry that they will embarrass you, or will bully you, and have the kind of power over you that can make things difficult for you if you were to make them angry. So you don’t speak up.

Let’s say, though, that you DO speak up. You challenge their position. You show just how formidable you can be - and they force you into saying something you regret. All the blood drains from your face as your worst fears are realized and you wish you had never said anything. THIS is the memory that haunts many people. This is the reason they don’t speak up.

Let me retrace a few things:

1) The worry is baseless. You can conduct this conversation and manage it even if it is a very sensitive or emotional topic. The mojo you think your counterpart has is not their own.

2) You don’t have to challenge their position. You can help them formulate a new one.

3) You don’t have to show anyone how forceful or formidable you can be. You don’t have to apply force to move through these discussions.

4) You can conduct these discussions and lead them just where you want them to go. You may not always get your way, but you usually will if your way is reasonable.

5) Your counterpart will respect the way that you conduct yourself even if they disagree with your perspective. That will make subsequent discussions much easier.

One of the hardest things to do is to start saying the RIGHT THINGS to make all this happen, because you haven’t learned how to construct the RIGHT THINGS in your own voice, or even what makes them right.

I’d like to help and will be sharing some information along these lines at the June 24 PMI Breakfast event in Rancho Bernardo (info at http://www.eventbee.com/member/pmi-sd/event?eventid=832818314).
Please come out to get your questions answered.


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Hats Off to PMI- SD

I just want to take a couple of lines to Congratulate the Project Management Institute regarding their 2011 Conference in San Diego. The team was very well organized and I can't say enough good things about the execution of every aspect. You should spend the entire next meeting celebrating this achievement.
JOB WELL DONE!

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What to Say When Feelings are at Stake

I had several very enjoyable speaking engagements last week, and I always like to hang around afterwards to talk to anyone that has a question or would like to share an experience. I was approached by one young man who asked an excellent question and I want to share this with all of you.


He explained to me that his boss is from another culture. His boss tries very hard to understand what is said to him, but sometimes has trouble and is slow to ask for clarification, presumably for fear of appearing somehow challenged by language or cultural differences. I couldn’t help but think to myself about the scores of coworkers I have had that demonstrated the same trait without the benefit of a good reason like being from a different culture.

The young man then told me that he was concerned that he had a moderately complex issue to explain to his boss, and was concerned that there was no way to talk to him about it without things getting difficult. He couldn’t think of any way to start the conversation without it sounding like he was” dropping a bomb”, and was looking for what to do.

I want to share with you all (as I did with him) the tool of “prefacing” in these situations. That is rather than start straight into the content, preface your statement with a short and sincere statement that prepares the listener for what you are about to say.

For example, the young man I was speaking to was afraid that his boss would take his as a personal attack, so suggested he say something like:

“Boss, I need to tell you something and I don’t really know how to start without just saying it. I want you to know that I am not in any way attacking you but that I mean to be constructive. I’m willing to discuss it as long as you like until you are completely comfortable that I am saying this for our mutual benefit. Can we talk now or would it be better to do it this afternoon?”

This is not a random statement, but one that thoughtfully uses several elements of THE SCORE to make the other party feel as comfortable as possible in hearing some rough news and keep them engaged until the issue is resolved. Let’s look at it:

1) We start out tentative and humble, letting the other person know that we are doing what we think is right and have their goodwill in mind.

2) We are sincere and state the situation as simply as we can. We are respectful.

3) We address the potential for being misunderstood by using a technique called “contrasting”, meaning that, more than saying we are not attacking, we contrast the idea of attacking with what we ARE doing (which is being constructive). This is a method of “hyper-clarifying”, making it simple for our intention to register with the person that we are addressing.

4) We are engaged and committed to solving this, NOT dropping a bomb on them and willing to stay and discuss this thoroughly.

5) We close by offering a share of the control in the selection in aspects of the conversation (could be time, place, attendees – in this case, we offered control of the time). This shows respect and openness to collaboration.

When something must be said, and we don’t know how to start, admitting that and starting anyway can be the most productive and the most human thing to do.


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PMI Conference May12-14

I am flattered to announce that I am speaking at the PMI Conference in San Diego on May 14 at 2:30 pm. The presentation is called: Influence and Persuasion for Project Managers: Face to Face Communication Skills and I am eager to build somne bridges between some of the important communication practices I write about. The conference has a lot of great material presented by a number of experts, so the time will be well spent.

Please see the website at:
http://conference.pmi-sd.org/
http://pmi-sd.eventbee.com/event?eid=751294384
http://conference.pmi-sd.org/tutorials/



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Big Idea, Small Package

Last time we spoke about how difficult it is to get others (and ourselves) to change our minds once we have committed to a course of action, especially if we feel it will damage our reputation if we reverse field. I spoke about a few ways to help someone see that they didn’t have all the information at the time the decision was made and now, with “new” information, they can help make a more informed (if different) decision – one that better represents the new understanding.

A very small word that is very potent in these kinds of circumstances is “yet”.

When someone tells us that they really don’t understand what we are upset about, or what we are saying, or what we mean, we may feel a little twinge of upset. We may want to raise our voice, adopt body language that indicates we feel they aren’t paying attention, or try to re-explain what we have just said sloooower or LOUDER as if they were feeble-minded. As we send these signals, the other person is likely to feel our upset as an attack, and to become defensive. As all my faithful subscribers know by now, defensiveness kills communication.

An effective method of signaling that you understand that the other party does not fully understand your meaning yet is to acknowledge that there is still more to know by using the word “yet”.

I have found that saying “Oh, I don’t see how you COULD understand yet – I have only given you a fraction of the facts.” OR “I am sure my meaning will become clear in a second – I just haven’t found the perfect words to describe it yet.”

This indicates to the other party that you agree that they don’t understand and that you acknowledge that it is not their fault because you still have more to say.

This is a very helpful method for getting around a difficult problem and getting the other party to engage MORE deeply with you.

More next time.


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