Sunday, March 29, 2009

Curiosity

Curiosity – The state in which you continue to ask questions about why your counterpart holds a given belief until you understand why as fully as you can. You need to be curious - ACTIVELY curious - because it transmits SO MUCH about your willingness to understand and your respect for your counterpart.

Whether you are engaged in a relationship conversation or a critical discussion, one of the hardest and most important things to do is to remain curious. That means DEEPLY curious about the other party's perspective. Many students write me after trying some things they've learned in class and tell me about "unexpected" things that happen. Almost always, the problem lies in their level of curiosity.

Curiosity is hard to attain because:
1 - It is common for us to hear a little bit of the other party's perspective and "fill in the blanks" for ourselves. This is gives us the impression that we heard the other side out, but clearly we didn't. We are taught early on to try to guess what the other party thinks from their actions. We have learned that we are usually wrong, and thus the need for curiosity.
2 - The "voice in our head" that helps us in our dealings with others is busy preparing what we will say when the other side is finished. Thus we aren't really listening to them.
3 - We feel that our perspective is more important, or more correct, than the other party's.

It is imperative that we hear the other side out for several reasons:
1 - If the other side feels that we aren't "getting it", they will escalate until they feel heard. This is usually the cause behind raised voices. What we commonly attribute to anger is usually due to frustration from not being heard. When you get to the point of raised voices, you will usually have to stop talking about the topic and shift gears in order to re-connect again. Sometimes, this is where we get defensive and one party withdraws or attacks.

2 - The purpose for the conversation is almost always mutual understanding. You won't achieve mutual understanding unless you ask questions about their perspective and listen to their answers

3 - The other party has information you don't have that could be critical to understanding the issue at hand. It is important to gather this data in order to develop an informed conclusion.

In order to maintain curiosity in spite of the desire to react, try the following:
1 - Instead of filling in the blanks for the other party, use active listening skills (listen, paraphrase, acknowledge). Ask questions that help you understand why they think the way they do ("what makes you say that?", "can you tell me more about that?", "help me understand why...").

2 - I frequently try to help the other party make their perspective and help them find supporting evidence for it. In doing so, I quickly come to understand it. Also, this lets the other party see you are objective. If you find something that you don't understand, they becoming willing to question it with you.

3 - Stop trying to silence the voice in your head. I have tried it endlessly, and it doesn't work. But it is EASY to train that voice to be curious, rather than distracted by preparing responses. When your inner voice is curious (asking questions like "I wonder how he/she got from point A to point B?"), then your inner voice is aligned with your mission - to understand the other party's story - and your manner is more authentic.

4 - Realize that you will NEVER understand the other party's perspective as well as you understand your own, but that should be your aim.

Simple Test - Before you begin analyzing the differences between your perspectives, ask yourself the question "Are there things that I see as differences between the two perspectives that I didn't actually hear the other party state?".

If there are, then you either filled in the blanks or have some more questions to ask.

If you are truly curious about the other party’s point of view, what exactly is it that will make you defensive? The answer is “nothing” because nothing they say is an attack – it is just their point of view, which is what you are seeking.

Let’s say I ask someone a very unsafe question like “What do you think of my performance on the Jenson project?” If I am curious, and they say “Frankly I thought you could have done better.” I would naturally ask “How?” If I am not curious, I might have a different response.

If I remain curious and ask how I might have done better, they might say “Well, at times you seemed a bit unprofessional when we were meeting with them.” Again, if I fall out of curiosity I might guess at what they mean and try to excuse myself, or I might just tell them they’re wrong, or I might attribute it to my style, or I might tell them that if they knew more about what I do they would understand, or I might tell them “that we will agree to disagree (yuck!)”.

If I stay curious, they might tell me “Well, in many meetings you showed up late and several times without a tie!” AHA! Guess what? You just learned what the other person’s definition of professionalism is and how they apply it. YOU STAYED CURIOUS AND LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT HOW OTHER PEOPLE DEFINE PROFESSIONALISM. It of course will be up to you to determine what you do with the information, but by staying curious is the only way to earn that option.

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Simplicity and Sincerity

We like to be thought of as smart. It is so much nicer than the alternative. Sometimes we want to SHOW that we’re smart, and that is not an altogether bad idea either, IF it is done in a way that doesn’t make other people feel…well, NOT smart.

Since our objective is to make others feel safe in talking with us it is important to express ourselves clearly and to actively try to be easy to understand. My friend Dr Jon Wesick is one of the smartest people I know and he has a real knack for describing complex concepts using language that is easy for me to follow. I see it as a real gift, and always enjoy talking to him. It is never intimidating or difficult. Now I am sure it COULD be intimidating (Jon’s PhD is in physics and he is a poet and science fiction writer), but he works hard to keep things simple. In doing so, he keeps me engaged and open. I am reminded of a quote attributed to Mark Twain: “I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead”. It takes considerable effort to “right size” the level of language for your audience. Not doing so (using jargon , acronyms, or inside jokes) will often lead to them feeling excluded and no longer willing or able to help you in achieving your objective.

Sincerity (authenticity) in your conversations is critical. Most people have well-developed radar for distinguishing authentic conversation from that which is not (sometimes called “phony”, “manipulative”, “fake” or worse). I discourage people from using wording or approaches offered by others (including those offered by me) UNLESS they understand the PURPOSE of the approach and can construct an equivalent approach that fits THEM. I spend a considerable amount of time teaching the purposes BEHIND the words so people can accomplish this critical process.

I have spoken about sincerity and authenticity before, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, let me repeat myself to help reinforce this critical aspect of communication.

Authenticity is behaving in a manner consistent with your feelings. This needs to be done with respect and high purpose. For instance, without hurting another person’s feelings and for the good of your organization, you will need to tell just how you feel. Try this: Picture the person you love most in the world (your child, or spouse, or parent, or a dear friend). Picture the way you might behave in breaking some devastatingly bad news to them. It is hard, because you know how the news will hurt them. It affects you badly to have to tell them this, but you have to. You plan something to say and start to break the news, and when you see their reaction, you can’t help but feel genuine empathy for them. That feeling is an authentic feeling. There is nothing manufactured or calculated about it, and your behavior is completely consistent with that feeling. Now imagine you are delivering GREAT news to that same person. As you do, you feel amazing joy for them. You may laugh or cry, but whatever you do will be an authentic extension of your feelings. It is THAT unabridged connection between your feeling and your actions that portray authenticity.

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Monday, March 16, 2009

Message Board

I am EXCITED to let you all know that you can start using the Pathfinder Message Board to publicly and anonymously (or not) post the communication problems that you experience and receive a collaborative response. I will answer them daily (my responses will be in my own name, of course). I expect others will contribute as well in that this is a Pathfinder community project.

There of course is no charge for this service. The purpose is to offer coaching beyond what you've learned in the Pathfinder classes and lectures and to offer guidance in the practical application of the High-Performance Communication principles to everyday business situations.

You can find the message board by clicking the title of this message OR by going to www.PathfinderCommunication.com and choosing the 'Message Board' link from the menu.

You are invited to offer your thoughts to anyone's post and start a thread on any communication-oriented issue.

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Engagement

We all seem to know intuitively that listening is important to communication. Of course it is. If both parties aren’t listening to each other, then what is really being communicated? But listening – that is, receiving the signals that your counterpart is sending - is as tricky as it is vital. It involves analyzing two kinds of verbal information (words and tone of voice) as well as non-verbal information. I don’t want to cover anything in this week’s newsletter other than the ATTITUDE required for good listening. And that is called ENGAGEMENT.

Being engaged with your counterpart requires that you extend the openness and curiosity that we have discussed into an ACTIVE state. You try to focus FULLY on your counterpart without OVERFOCUSING (staring, mouthing their words, nodding endlessly, saying “uh-huh” incessantly). These OVERFOCUSING issues usually come up with people that have been taught Power Listening or Active Listening techniques improperly. Equally dangerous is UNDERFOCUSING. This often is detected by your counterpart when they explain something important or personal to you, and your reply indicates immediately that you didn’t hear what they said. If they reply with “I just said…” or “As I said,…” then you know that they are picking up a lack of engagement.

Be aware that when your counterpart feels you aren’t engaged, they may raise their voice (because they aren’t feeling heard) or start to withdraw (saying something like “whatever” or another expression of passive surrender). This indicates that they are leaving the discussion without moving through the conflict to a place of understanding. This is a no man’s land where commitments have a notoriously low survival rate.

Here’s what you can do to keep things for digressing too far.

View the time that your counterpart is talking as a time to absorb information from them. That the only way you can make a better decision than you would make alone is with their input and that here is your chance to get it. You are LEARNING when they are talking and when they are done you will do one of two things. You will either ask them a question to get further information OR you will say “if I understand you, you are saying that….” and describe in your own words what you take their meaning to be.

I am very good at this and am USUALLY wrong at my first cut at their meaning. That's because there are all kinds of articulation and interpretation errors that happen, and it takes a lot of attention for both parties to fully exchange a new idea. So be patient!

View the investment you make in listening as more important than the time you spend speaking. The greatest contributors to a lack of engagement are either interrupting, formulating a response while the other person is talking, or being distracted by things going on around you. If you are in a place where you must pay attention to other things rather than your counterpart, ask to postpone the discussion due to the distraction until a later time. This communicates the importance of the discussion, and your desire to be truly present.

Many times, there is a’ little voice in your head’ that distracts while the other person is talking. It is you, because you think so much faster than your counterpart can talk, working out what you are going to say next or even worse, thinking about unrelated things. It is almost impossible to silence it. You may not realize it, but the distraction shows on your face and in your mannerisms and your counterpart will know either consciously or subconsciously that you are not fully “there”. The best way to deal with your ‘little voice’ is to convert its purpose from formulating responses to formulating questions that you will ask.

Remember – the purpose of the discussion is to get all of the thoughts out on the table where they can be scrutinized and put to their best and highest use. You can’t afford to alienate the people that have those thoughts so that they become unavailable, or the people become estranged. Remain engaged and earn their trust.

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Humility and Tentativeness

There are a couple of traits that seem to promote harmony and soften opposition almost instantly, and they also require a lot of practice. I am speaking of Humility and Tentativeness.

Humility is the key quality attributed to an unpretentious and modest person, someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others. There is a great strength in humility; that’s how it is distinguished from meekness. Humility is a behavior that is universally understood to be correlated to curiosity, empathy, openness, and respect. When your counterpart recognizes your humility, they feel less reason to be defensive. This reduces the odds of a bad reaction to what you have to say because they know they can count on you to hear any counterpoint they may want to present. The opposite of humility is arrogance, and arrogance will tend to set your counterpart on edge and make them defensive.

Tentativeness means presenting your opinions in such a way as to make clear that they are not final or fully worked out. This promotes safety as well, because it is clear that there is an opportunity to “build” a collaborative idea with you. This is a strong signal that you are authentic in your desire to collaborate.

These positions signal a lot. Mostly, they indicate that you are probably going to approach the collaboration with some integrity. They signal strongly that you WANT further input and that it will be welcomed. They also indicate that your perspective is not fully worked out and, since you are building the idea together, your counterpart needn’t have a fully formulated idea either. Of course, if either of you have have a fully worked out solution, we'll use our same trusty critical discussion skills to vet their idea with them.

If you think of the flip side of this, you can see why anyone might be hesitant to bring an idea to a person that is arrogant or judgmental about their perspective on a given problem and is sure they have everything worked out. It is unlikely that you’ll be given due consideration and possibele that you’ll even be open to ridicule if your idea doesn’t match your counterpart’s perspective.

There are a few ways to signal your humility and tentativeness to your counterpart.


Bob is an experienced, respected member of the Project Management department and is considered very competent by his peers and by you. He has run into a snag in a contract. You are approached by co-worker. Compare these sentences:

“Any schoolboy would know how to handle Bob’s contract problem. There’s only one right answer.”
“I can’t believe Bob is having trouble with this Contract. The answer is so obvious!”
“I have the solution to the Contract issue that Bob couldn’t figure out”
“I have a great idea about the Contract issue that Bob was dealing with”
“I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the Contract issue that Bob mentioned”
“I’m not at all sure about what to do regarding Bob’s Contract issue. Do you have any suggestions?”
“I’d love to work with you on some ideas to address the Contract issue that Bob raised”
“I’ve been thinking about the problems that Bob had mentioned about his Contract. I have a few thoughts, nothing complete though, and would like to toss them around with you a bit.”
“I don’t think I could contribute to the solving the contract issue if Bob was having trouble”

Which of these signal arrogance? Which signal humility? Which signal meekness?


Think about how the conversation might go for each of the above if it was your counterpart’s opening.

For which of them would you be inclined to contribute ideas and for which you not? Which do you think would likely be collaborative and which not? Which do you think would be productive and which not?
If you were going to approach a collaborator, with the goal of collaboratively creating a suggestion for Bob regarding his contract snag, which would you say?

I am not suggesting that ANY of them are perfect. Which do you think support a collaborative environment in an authentic voice?

Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication