'Tis the Season

Lately, I have had more than the normal amount of difficult conversations at work and home, with peers, elderly parents, and impossible children. Let's see if I can recall the more grievous mistakes I have made in them:
1) Withdrawal - I recently had a conversation in which I felt sufficiently attacked that I chose to withdraw. That is, I chose to ignore my true feelings and just agree rather than try to share my side of the story. This is a fairly significant mistake because the relationship is one that is very important to me and by choosing not to tell my side, I am choosing not to make it better.

What should I have done?

I teach in the classes that the right thing to do is to take a break; to express that the conversation is very important and the issue must be addressed, but I really can't right now. I need to sort through what I think, separate it from what I feel, and talk more later. I really wish I would have followed my own advice.

2) Assumption - I have assumed that I knew a person's side of the story when i didn't. There was a subtle shift in language and BANG! I was engaged in a full scale verbal war without warning. In the end, we agreed with each other and worked through our differences, but this is a "rookie" mistake that I should never have made.

What should I have done?

I teach that you need to be, above all things, seeking to understand the other side. I let up for just a minute (long enough for my collaborator to process more information and change their opinion) and actually lost track of their position....in SECONDS. When I sensed the change in language, I should have asked "What makes you say that?" or "Tell me more" but I didn't. They had just gotten that piece of information that changes everything and I didn’t catch it.

3) Misjudging my collaborator - I engaged with someone that has a history of pure advocacy - seldom thinks through a conversation critically, and tends to keep score as "wins" and "losses" rather than "good decisions" and "poor decisions". I felt they were going into a situation only partially prepared and was questioning their strategy. I was dealt with as if I was attacking them. In this relationship, I am expected to offer this kind of input.

What should I have done?

This one was tricky. I teach that you need to have the right "purpose, position, and clarity" formulated when you begin, and I believe I did. I actually made two mistakes: a) tried to convince them of my position in one conversation (almost never happens) and b) tried to hold a critical discussion with someone not usually open to critical thinking. I needed to preface my remarks FAR more carefully, to build safety, and to be crystal clear that I was not challenging but trying to help. I could have done all of these things better.

So there are a few lessons here. First, we all make mistakes and need to look hard to learn from them. Second, the classes teach all we need to know to have great communication BUT you have to APPLY what you learn to get the benefit. Third, if you ever think that the other party is the ONLY contributor to your communication problems, think again - we almost ALWAYS have some hand in the problem AND the solution.

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