Sunday, July 20, 2008

Curiosity

Whether you are engaged in a relationship conversation or a critical discussion, one of the hardest and most important things to do is to remain curious. That means DEEPLY curious about the other party's perspective. Many students write me after trying some things they've learned in class and tell me about "unexpected" things that happen. Almost always, the problem lies in their level of curiosity.

Curiosity is hard to attain because:
1 - It is common for us to hear a little bit of the other party's perspective and "fill in the blanks" for ourselves. This is gives us the impression that we heard the other side out, but clearly we didn't. We are taught early on to try to guess what the other party thinks from their actions. We have learned that we are usually wrong, and thus the need for curiosity.

2 - The "voice in our head" that helps us in our dealings with others is busy preparing what we will say when the other side is finished. Thus we aren't really listening to them.

3 - We feel that our perspective is more important, or more correct, than the other party's.

It is imperative that we hear the other side out for several reasons:
1 - If the other side feels that we aren't "getting it", they will escalate until they feel heard. This is usually the cause behind raised voices. What we commonly attribute to anger is usually due to frustration from not being heard. When you get to the point of raised voices, you will usually have to stop talking about the topic and shift gears in order to re-connect again. Sometimes, this is where we get defensive and one party withdraws or attacks.

2 - The purpose for the conversation is almost always mutual understanding. You won't achieve mutual understanding unless you ask questions about their perspective and listen to their answers

3 - The other party has information you don't have that could be critical to understanding the issue at hand. It is important to gather this data in order to develop an informed conclusion.

In order to maintain curiosity in spite of the desire to react, try the following:
1 - Instead of filling in the blanks for the other party, use active listening skills (listen, paraphrase, acknowledge). Ask questions that help you understand why they think the way they do ("what makes you say that?", "can you tell me more about that?", "help me understand why...").

2 - I frequently try to help the other party make their perspective and help them find supporting evidence for it. In doing so, I quickly come to understand it. Also, this lets the other party see you are objective. If you find something that you don't understand, they becoming willing to question it with you.

3 - Stop trying to silence the voice in your head. I have tried it endlessly, and it doesn't work. But it is EASY to train that voice to be curious, rather than distracted by preparing responses. When your inner voice is curious (asking questions like "I wonder how he/she got from point A to point B?"), then your inner voice is aligned with your mission - to understand the other party's story - and your manner is more authentic.

4 - Realize that you will NEVER understand the other party's perspective as well as you understand your own, but that should be your aim.

Simple Test - Before you begin analyzing the differences between your perspectives, ask yourself the question "Are there things that I see as differences between the two perspectives that I didn't actually hear the other party state?". If there are, then you either filled in the blanks or have some more questions to ask.


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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I find that I do this very well -- my internal "curiosity" is very present in my discussions with people, and people have mentioned that they like having me in a conversation for that reason; it helps get to the heart of the issue.
The only problem I experience is when the "other" party clearly does *NOT* show any curiosity as to my point of view, or even seem to have any DESIRE to want to know more. How can you possibly deal with such unreasonable people? I am frustrated by this quite frequently.

Gregg Oliver said...

If you are experiencing this problem with a number of people, I would suspect that you are contributing to the situation. It's easy to do.
If you find that a number of people don't reciprocate with curiosity, it is likely that they are not experiencing your concern for them as genuine (authentic).
Since some others DO find conversations with you to be productive, it would seem that sometimes you are more authentic than others. It might be due to your feelings about the subject matter, the person with whom you are speaking, or the amount of distraction you are experiencing at the time.
Don't write these folks off as "unreasonable"! They may have internal rules that prevent them from asking questions about your position ("bosses never ask questions of subordinates - it indicates lack of expertise"). It will color how you interact with them and they will sense it just like you do. Many people think it is very personal to ask questions and it is reserved for close friends (a safety rule) and others fear that you will think they are not very smart because their rules tell them that “smart people don’t need things explained to them”. Some people think that it is your right to have your opinion and that by questioning it, they are implying that you don’t have that right. They don’t question it out of respect for you! Some people think that if they show too much interest in your position, it is a signal that they are not confident in their own. Many people don't want to question the perspective of others because they believe that "disagreement causes problems with most people" and they need to trust those whom they challenge.
Fortunately, it is easier to get them into a collaborative mood than it is to change those deep seated rules.
• Give them permission to ask questions about your perspective. You can even ask them directly (“It would be helpful if you could tell me what you see in my perspective that I’m not seeing”).
• Show them HOW to challenge you if they start to show curiosity. Tell them that you need it, that it would be helpful. Teach them to ask the questions (What makes you say that? Help me to understand about …. Tell me more about….).
• Sometimes it is easier to introduce your view after you have come to understand theirs, by describing the differences between your two view (or by describing the similarities) as you see it. Some people will want to help you understand their story very well in order to eliminate differences (the same thing you are trying to do) and will take the lead in finding out your perspective in order to explain its flaws to you.
Check yourself to verify that you are truly present, engaged, and interested in the conversation. If you are, it may be necessary to have a conversation with the other party about the pattern that you are seeing - that they seem not to be interested in perspectives other than their own. It is a difficult discussion to have, and it is important to give the benefit of the doubt in this case. You'll need to approach it with humility and tentativeness. I'll bet you can think of a way to help them see how other perspectives help make the decision better and lead to a better commitment and better result.

Anonymous said...

Excellent insight, thank you! It is just two specific people, but I will still try to be mindful of my own state of mind.

I will definitely use the techniques you mentioned, it seems a simple and logical way to address the problem.

Thank you for your great response! I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for kind words. I am grateful that people come to read it, and am happy to share what I can.